run the world
by thewasabipea
Summary: Alternate ending to 1.17 "Turn, Turn, Turn". A character study of Melinda May, with Victoria Hand.
1. Chapter 1

**summary: **alternate ending for 1.17 "turn, turn, turn". character study of melinda may.

**author's note:** title(s) from beyonce's "run the world (girls)"

**spoilers: **for agents of s.h.i.e.l.d. episode 1.17 "turn, turn, turn" and _captain america: the winter soldier_.

* * *

_run the world_

Victoria Hand smiles, vicious, at the sight of Garrett in cuffs. She cocks her head in thought when Agent Ward asks permission to escort her, and she has to admit, she's tempted. She's known Garrett for years; almost as long as Coulson has. Still, she can't know what it means to have him as her SO, betrayal sitting deep in her gut, rotting away. It's on the tip of her tongue to say yes, but she'd be stupid to rip Coulson's team apart even more so than it already is.

She sees Agent May picking up debris in the background.

Well.

More than Coulson's already ripped it apart himself, she thinks.

"Agent May," she calls out, not even sure what she's doing even as she does it. "Would you mind escorting the Hydra agents to the Fridge with me?"

Agent May raises an eyebrow, and glances towards Coulson. He keeps his back towards her, and Victoria files that information away. She can hear the Widow saying "love is for children" echoing in her mind, but who the hell knew what went on in Melinda May's mind. Maybe she did love Coulson, and if so, this type of thing would be as damaging as Bahrain. Best to remove her from the situation while she could.

May nods, and Victoria smiles.

* * *

When Melinda turns away and leaves the central control room, she knows what she's walking away from. She's walking away from the Bus, from this team, from Phil. She's not okay with it, not in the least, but what other choice does she have? She won't apologize to him. Not for following orders, not for protecting him, not for doing her damn duty.

"Agent May! Agent May!"

She doesn't want to turn, doesn't want to acknowledge the wayward engineer chasing her. She's done with them all now, isn't she?

"Agent May, please!"

Her rapid stomp slows to crawl, allowing Fitz to catch up to her.

He doesn't slap his hands to knees, huffing and puffing dramatically in the way she had come to expect from him, before the team had come together. Instead, he simply looks in her the eyes, assessing.

She waits, feeling the blood drip down her face, feels the aches in a body that just might be getting too old for these kinds of things.

Finally, when Melinda is more than ready to turn on her heel and find the nearest flat surface to pass out on, Fitz speaks.

"I get it now."

Melinda raises an eyebrow.

"I get why you shot me."

"It was an ICER," she grits out.

Fitz scrunches his nose, like he wants to argue the point, but continues on his previous train of thought. "That doesn't matter. I get why you shot me. It was to protect Coulson; to protect all of us."

Fitz looks like he's waiting for some big declaration of understanding on her part, but she doesn't have the energy for it.

"You knew if Coulson found out about the private line, if we all found it, it would splinter the team. It would create trust issues. You were just looking out for him. The same way Simmons and I were looking out for Skye."

"You sent out the blood sample, didn't you?"

To his credit, Fitz doesn't wince.

"No," he wavers. "Simmons took it to a lab in the hub to analyze it." He says all of this very quickly, and Melinda knows if she hadn't been working him for as long as she has, she wouldn't have a clue what he was getting at. For a moment she thinks of berating him, but she sharply reminds herself: this isn't her business any more. Even if she continues to fly the Bus, her time as a team member, as a part of this family, is over.

"Thank you."

Fitz looks jarred at her statement, and the surprise makes him look even younger. The tear tracks are in sharp relief against the dirt on his face.

"You saved my life," she clarifies. "Coulson's too. We'd all be dead if it weren't for you."

Fitz winces.

"The grenade was luck," he mutters. "I've never shot any one like that before."

He's looking at his feet, and Melinda wouldn't be surprised if he'd started crying again. Against her own better judgment, she nudges his chin up so that she can look him in the eye.

"You saved my life," she repeats. He nods, accepting it.

She echoes his nod, pats him gently on the shoulder, and turns to leave. She knew dealing with the fallout from Phil would be difficult, but she hadn't ever thought the rest of the team would break her heart.

* * *

The ride to the Fridge is as boring as the attack on the Hub was dramatic.

Garrett has two armed guards at him at any point, plus Melinda's own vengeful glare. Ward had put up what she considered to be an unnecessary fuss about her escorting him; she assumes he just wanted a chance to enact a little personal revenge. She wonders if he'll ever truly get a handle on his emotions. Somehow she doubts it.

Agent Hand makes snide comments about Garrett's silence, no doubt hoping to goad him into action. Melinda knows how Hand feels about loose ends, and she most likely would rather Garrett and the rest of the Hydra agents killed. Being that she was most likely the highest ranking SHIELD operative still alive, she could fully well make that decision. But Hand was too intelligent to make those type of gut decisions, which was why she'd ended up in such a high ranking position to begin with. Melinda is grateful for the chance to sit and settle, ignoring the absence of the mindless chatter of the Bus.

The drop off at the Fridge causes a bit of anxiety: no one thought to ensure that the place was clear of Hydra before flying over. Each agent is privately interviewed in an attempt to vet them for loyalty, but it's clear Agent Hand isn't quite sure how the process should go. What worked for Triplett and Simmons isn't going to work for everyone, and it's 36 hours of being parked outside before they actually escort Garrett in to his cell.

They hit another road block when the cell needs two senior officers to access it.

Hand looks ready to pull out her carefully dyed hair before turning sharply to Melinda and snapping, "Welcome to level eight, Agent May," and striding over to the nearest console to upgrade Melinda's credentials.

Halfway up the walkway into the plane, Agent Hand says, "Hope you don't mind a detour before we head back to the Hub. Your team's already left, but we can figure out a rendezvous easy enough."

May's response is a curt nod, but she winces internally at the thought of Phil picking up and leaving without a word. She's not sure what else she expected.

* * *

Their detour ends up being in New York. Stark Towers, to be specific.

Melinda fights the urge to groan. She'd say she's been through too much recently to want to deal with Tony Stark, but really, she never wants to deal with the man. She was grateful that the Widow's infiltration and undercover skills far outstripped her own; she doesn't know how Romanoff survived those months with Iron Man.

Turns out they're not here to see Tony Stark.

They're here to recruit Maria Hill.

Melinda knows she shouldn't be surprised; she knows about what happened at the Triskelion. The same thing, if on a lesser scale, has been happening all across the globe. Hydra agents have come out of the woodwork at every SHIELD facility, and not many have come out of it in as good condition as the Hub.

She and Agent Hand are led into a well-furnished corner office, with large paneled windows and a beautiful view of the city. Maria is on the phone, speaking Spanish in the same slow, lilting voice she once used to provide op information.

Melinda stands by the door as Victoria seats herself across Maria.

When Maria finishes her phone call, she doesn't give Victoria a chance to speak.

"Do you know who that was?"

It's a rhetorical question, and Victoria knows it.

"That was my mother. I haven't been able to tell her what I do at work for twenty years."

Victoria doesn't waver.

"The safety of world charts a little higher than the small talk you make with your mother, Agent Hill."

"It's Maria now. Or Ms. Hill, if you're so inclined." Maria leans back into her chair.

"SHIELD needs you, Maria. The world needs you."

Maria laughs. "Leave the inspirational speeches to Nick, Victoria. You're too stern to carry it off."

Melinda can't help it. Her hands clench into fists. There's no way Maria doesn't know.

"At ease, Agent May," Maria calls to her. "And come sit; we're safe here. I'm sure of it."

Maria is waving at her genially, gesturing to chair next to Victoria. Melinda envies her this, this ability to blend back into civilian life as if she'd never left it. Despite Maria's assurances, she has already catalogued every threat and exit pathway from this office. Sitting in the chair Maria has indicated would leave her back vulnerable and limit her line of sight, which is probably why Maria had set up her office that way. It irritates her to comply, but she does it any way.

"I'm not surprised you don't know." Maria addresses the both of them. "Computer, privacy mode. Level: absolute."

The change is dramatic, but as this is a Stark building, Melinda isn't fazed. The windows shutter, the locks on the door clicks shut, and even the computer goes dark. Overhead lights flicker on, and the room takes on an eerie look.

"Nick Fury is alive," Maria announces. "I don't know where he is, and I don't know his plans, but I know he's alive."

"And SHIELD?" Victoria prompts.

"I don't know, but I doubt he'll be staying on as Director. The World Security Council is still in shambles after what Pierce did, and we don't know how likely their replacements will be Hydra operatives. He's gone rogue," Maria's grin is back.

"Then you are needed even more, Maria. You should step up as Director."

Maria snorted indelicately. "You need a director. You don't need me."

Victoria's patience was clearly running thin, but this was not Melinda's area of expertise. She stayed quiet. "You are the highest ranking SHIELD Agent that is still available to us. Our organization is reeling, Maria, and I do not think we could withstand another blow. Without your direction, SHIELD stands to lose everything we have spent seventy years working towards. Are you truly going to condemn the world to Hydra?"

Maria's eyes narrows, all traces of humor gone. "Do not preach history to me, Agent Hand. You have no idea what I have given to SHIELD." Maria shakes her head. "I don't expect you to understand. I do expect you to respect my wishes."

Victoria sighs and stands. She and Melinda make their way to the door.

"A word of advice, though. Don't make Coulson Director."

Victoria stops with her hand on the doorknob.

"Understood, Maria."

Maria raises the privacy screens and they leave without another word.

Melinda wonders how her team is doing without her.

* * *

The return to the Hub is uneventful, and Melinda is beginning to feel an itch under her skin. She recognizes it from her early days in Administration, when she could blank out the details of Bahrain, of other missions that had eaten away at her, piece by piece. Compared to the copying and collating and filing, the excitement of the field and the joy of doing what she was best at was tempting. But she had reigned it in then, and she knows she is more than capable of doing it again. It simply surprises her how much she doesn't want to. She wants to be back on the Bus, sharing looks with Phil, sighing at FitzSimmons's antics, sparring with Ward, protecting Skye. She wants to be back with her family.

Slowly by slowly, the Hub is being rebuilt. Students are helping where they can, but no one thinks for a second that their age protects them from possible Hydra connections. Melinda hates this time of suspicion and paranoia, but believing themselves to be fool-proof has clearly led to disaster.

Victoria does not name herself Director. Instead, she is constantly on the phone, discussing the state of the remaining SHIELD facilities, how quickly the World Security Council can be rebuilt, and if the Triskelion and Project Insight should be scrapped completely. Melinda knows she's talking to Coulson's team, but Hand never breathes a word to her.

Meanwhile, Melinda has taken on the duties that Hand herself used to attend to. She's drafting missions, analyzing behavioral data to weed out possible Hydra agents, assembling Ops teams, restructuring classes to suit their imbalance of teachers to students. She doesn't sleep much, but she's grateful for the work.

It's three months before any one from the Bus speaks to her. Of course, it's completely by accident.

Their biotechnological sectors have been hard hit by Hydra. It's natural that Hand would contact Simmons to assist in the rebuilding process. But still, it's a shock to walk into the control center and see her young face blown up on their largest screen.

Simmons is in the middle of politely, if not adamantly, refusing to return to the Hub to teach, saying she's needed on board on the Bus, that she's never been cut out for teaching, and that she'd skipped so many classes that it wouldn't even make sense for her to attempt to teach them, when she catches sight of Melinda. Her eyes widen and her jaw falls open, but nothing comes out.

Finally, she breathes out, "Agent May."

For once, Melinda cannot read Simmons's expression, but she wants to believe that the girl misses her. She's not foolish enough to be very confident in that interpretation.

"Agent Simmons," Hand prompts. "If you will not return to the Hub to teach, we would still request your presence to help get the Biochemical department under some semblance of control. Our highest ranking agent in that field on base is Tancharoen and she's only just graduated last year."

Simmons pouts unhappily, but still shakes her head no.

"I'm terribly sorry, Director Hand, but I just can't."

The video wavers and Melinda can tell that the Bus has shifted suddenly. Simmons has gripped the edges of the holotable nervously, looking around.

"It's still Agent," Hand says, but it's clear that she's lost Simmons's attention.

"Again, terribly sorry, Direc – Agent Hand, but I really must go. Thank you for the offer!"

Victoria sighs.

"I could collect her, if necessary." Melinda supplies, unsure about the offer she's making.

"If I were Director, I could order her to return. Agent Fitz too. Hell, that whole team should be back here, helping with rebuilding this damn place."

Melinda is silent.

"I know you'd rather be with them, Agent May." Victoria shifts her feet, and Melinda mindlessly catalogs the motion as anxiety. "I've been meaning to have this conversation with you for weeks now, but with how busy we've been, I haven't had the chance. Coulson has requested that you not be returned to the Bus, Melinda."

She knows the use of her first name is meant to soften the blow, but she and Hand had never been that close.

"Tomorrow at 0800 I am making the announcement that I am stepping up as Director of SHIELD. And if you would be so inclined, I would like you to be my Deputy Director. Of course, that isn't a lot of time to think about – "

"Yes."

If Victoria was surprised by her quick response, she doesn't show it.

"Alright then. Let's get to work."


	2. Chapter 2

**author's note:** thank you eternally for **regionsofkindness** (at tumblr) for beta-ing. also check out their may meta; it's worth the read.

**spoilers: **this part is a connector between the previous chapter and the current plotline on the show. spoilers for all aired episodes.

* * *

_coming home_

When the Fridge falls, Melinda allows herself a moment of doubt. A moment of "are we doing the right thing?" and "can we even succeed?" before she swallows it down like bile. She can imagine Phil saying something about "better out than in", but she swallows that thought too. She lets all of it fester, the anger at Hydra, the pain from Phil, the loss of her team, and she saves it, until the day she'll need it.

She spends more time in the gym than is probably healthy. There's no one around who cares enough to comment on it.

The Fridge held their most dangerous items and people. It held former SHIELD agent John Garrett, and that knowledge rubs Melinda in the worst way. She wants to track him down, wants to use her fists for what they were made for. She wants to wipe the smug smile from his constantly yammering mouth.

Being Deputy Director means she can't.

She's forced to stand in the Ops Center, barely rebuilt, and direct teams to go after the other threats. Some are easy, like Marcus Daniels, who is back to stalking Phil's precious cellist. Others, not so much. Prisoners of the Fridge tend to be either too smart for their own good, or too powerful. The powerful ones didn't know how to hide very well, but the smart ones were practically untraceable. It was a pain in the ass.

It's when she sees Ian Quinn's smiling face on national television that she nearly snaps. She flies out of the Ops center, skipping the gym and heading straight for the showers. The pounding water helps, minimally, but her rage is building and building and instead of being able to bury it, she's terrified of it letting lose. Quinn almost killed Skye. And now he's preaching about how he knew all along SHIELD was a terrorist agency, and he's here to guide the American people into a safer tomorrow and on and on until she knows she should have broken his jaw when she had the chance.

Two hours later, after a long session of tai chi and another shower, she returns to Ops. She doesn't breathe a word to Director Hand; she owes no one any apology, not even now, and Hand knows better than to ask for one.

Instead, Victoria Hand looks like she's about to be sick.

"We have news from Providence base."

May nods. Level 8 opened up more doors than she expected, but she always knew Nick Fury was excellent at keeping secrets.

"Agent Ward," Victoria looks down. "Grant Ward has been revealed to be a Hydra agent."

The ground falls out from under her. She knew Ward. She knew everyone on that team, because she put them together, excepting Skye. She had hand picked him –

"He's taken Skye hostage."

She'll kill him.

* * *

She doesn't get a chance to murder Ward, because the team manage to save Skye all their own. She follows it as best she can; Skye's trip to the diner, the fight with Deathlok, and finally, after too much radio silence, Coulson lets them know she's safe.

* * *

Two days later, she gets a video call.

Simmons's face takes up the bulk of the screen, but she can see Fitz pacing in the background and hear Skye's voice, irritated.

" – call her, she obviously doesn't want to be with us, she just left with Hand – "

"Ahem," Jemma fake coughs, and Melinda can imagine the shock and mild fear on Skye's face perfectly, even though she can't see it.

"Agent May," Jemma begins calmly, as if Melinda is the one to call her. "What a nice surprise."

Melinda raises an eyebrow. "You called me."

"Ah, yes, about that. We, you see, Fitz," he waves from the back, then continues pacing, "Skye," she hears a muttered, "Don't drag me into this," and "I, have realized, or, really, we kind of, just, it's that." Jemma takes a deep breath. "We need you back, Agent May. Oh!" Her face brightens. "I mean Deputy Director May! Congratulations on your promotion!"

Melinda lets a small smile slip. "You can still call me Agent, Simmons."

"Oh, of course. Well, back to the matter. We really do need you back." Simmons allows for a moment of silence, then continues, softer. "Skye never would have been taken if you were here."

There's no blame in her voice, and Melinda is grateful for it.

"I had it under control," Skye hisses, and this makes Fitz perk up. "He's not evil, can we stop with that line of thought already!" He waves his hands in the air, then returns to pacing.

"He's not coming, is he, Fitz?" Jemma calls out, and Melinda is not surprised that they're hiding this from Coulson.

"No, Trip said he'll give the signal when Coulson gets bored. But it's legitimate Howling Commandos gear, he could stare at that stuff for hours. Speaking of, I'd really like a chance to look at it before – "

Jemma clears her throat, interrupting him.

"I mean, seriously, Agent May. We really would like you to return." Fitz gives a brief smile, then, yet again, returns to pacing. She can see that Ward's betrayal isn't sitting well with him. She wonders if they've been pressuring him to accept the truth, when they should know that Fitz needs hard evidence. He needs to see things with his own two eyes.

Jemma turns back to the camera. "Agent Coulson spends all his time in his room. He's barely speaking, eating, and we don't know what to do for him. Only you really understood him, Agent May."

Skye scoffs, and Melinda, though pleased by Jemma's sweetness, has had enough.

"Something to say, Skye?"

Skye grabs the laptop and turns it towards her roughly.

Melinda is surprised, and angry, to see a healing bruise on her temple.

"You know what? Yeah, I do have something to say. How could you just walk away like that, May? How could you just leave us, after everything we've been through together? Right after Hydra? We could have thought you, that you were – "

"Coulson requested that I not return," she says, calmly.

Jemma actually gasps out loud.

"Oh," Skye finishes.

"Director Hand had a need for my services, and as Coulson did not, I felt that my place was here."

The three are silent. Before anyone can speak, there's a knock at the door. Jemma shrieks, Skye swears, and Fitz is seen running about, no doubt searching for his phone.

The door opens, and Melinda can tell it's Coulson by the way the three young adults all look like extremely guilty children. Melinda thinks of hanging up, but stays on, because it's been months, and her team missed her, and she deserves to hear it from the source.

"Everybody out, please," he says, just out of sight, and the three move quickly. She gets a good look at the dingy motel room, and despairs of SHIELD's dwindling funds.

Coulson settles on the couch, and she's surprised to see that he's a little worse for wear.

"Break in, at Cybertek Industries. Did you know Garrett was the Mark I Deathlok?"

She nearly gapes at him. That wasn't the opener she expected.

"Or is, I guess. I'm assuming they broke him out of the Fridge with the rest of them. He's really been playing the long con with us, ever since – "

"Phil."

He sighs, looking down.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have behaved the way I did. I was mad, and I was mean." He looks away. "I'm sorry for pushing you away, May."

She's quiet.

"It's eating away at me, Melinda. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to focus on the team, on Hydra, on Garrett, and now Ward, but all I can think of is TAHITI. You were right. What if, what if I'm a sleeper agent? What if Hydra really is the ones who ordered this? Nick didn't take orders from many people, but Alexander Pierce was one of them, and I…"

He looks at her. She almost expected tears in his eyes, but there's nothing. "Please come back, Melinda."

"I can't." It kills her to say it.

"Hand needs me here. I'm Deputy Director, Phil. This is different from being on Administrative duty. You can't just grab me because you want me to drive your plane."

"I thought you put this team together?" he asks with a wry smile.

"I can't leave here, Phil."

He nods. "I understand. I really do. I just… I wish things were different. I wish I had been different. I'll explain it to the kids."

"Be gentle with Fitz," she warns. "He's not taking this Ward thing well."

Phil pauses. "Are you?"

Her eyes narrow. That's all the answer he needs.

Soon, it seems that her rage has drained out of her, replaced by an aching sadness from being away from her team. She's tired all the time, forcing herself to wake up to do her morning exercises instead of simply moving out of bed. She cuts down her evening workouts, falling asleep exhausted every night. Her work is still impeccable, but she's lost her drive.

Finally, she approaches Hand.

"I'm asking for a leave of absence."

Hand doesn't even look up from her paperwork.

"I assume you have a list of possible replacements?"

"Just one. Akela Amador."

This makes Victoria pause.

"She was nearly sent to the Fridge. Determined to not be dangerous enough, and is now in federal prison."

"She was forced to perform those crimes."

"I know." Victoria taps her chin. "We're still labeled as a terrorist organization, and Talbot is refusing to get his head out of his ass. It'll be difficult to bring her on. Last I heard, she wasn't exactly a team player."

"She is now."

"Fine," Victoria shrugs. "But if this goes wrong, I'll have your head for it. You need a ride?"

Melinda shakes her head. "I've got one."

Her mom will be happy to see her. She thinks.


End file.
